How to diet… properly…

Dieting has the word die in it. This wasn’t intentional but that fact really resonates with me. I will die if I don’t do it, and when I do, it feels like I’m going to.

I have been having a fat couple of years, this is what I have always done. I am fat for a while, I diet for six months, get thinner, stay thin for a year and then get fat again. I asked myself recently why I do this, the answer was obvious, I do things in extremes.

When I get really into something, I over do it. If I am drinking, I want to get drunk. If I am playing a videogame, I will invest hours and hours each day until it has lost its magic. The same is true with my food. I will eat and eat until I am way to full, just because I can. And when I am dieting I will do it in an extreme way, never healthy and manageable. It is all down to willpower, i don’t have it. 

When I am dieting, if I don’t see massive weight loss quickly, I am likely to give up on it, which is why I have been fat for my longest period yet. What is my answer?

Eat a bit less and excercise a bit more?

Fuck that. I have to smash it.

I will fall into the same spiral I always do.

People say to me a lot, if you just accept who you are then you will reach a weight you are comfortable with. To that, again, i call bullshit.

Why is it OK to tell someone smoking will kill you but it is not OK to tell someone being fat will do that same thing?

This is my dilemma, like all overeaters I use the excuse I love food too much. But surely it is the same for all drug addicts, smokers and alcoholics?

When somebody smokes too much, or drinks too much the advice is always the same. Just cut it out, if your addicted you just have to stop, completely, cold turkey.

This is the same logic I am going to carry forward into my diet. I’m addicted to food, so I should just cut it out.

Like many addicts before me I am likely to relapse, which is why I will be encouraging people to tell me I look like shit and that my eating will kill me. 

You wouldn’t tell an drug addict who relapsed, “it’s OK, you look better than you did when you were shooting heroin into your eyeball.” Would you? 

The same as drug addicts and alcoholics, fat people such as myself could really do with a shot of harsh reality.

Anyway, ramblings over with, it is time for me to eat a grape for breakfast, a salad for lunch and for dinner, shouting at myself in the mirror.

Thanks!

Thank God we invent words

DISCLAIMER

What you are about to read are akin to the ramblings of a madman on the edge of a psychotic break. Do not read if you don’t want to put up with disjointed nature these random thoughts are spewed all over this post. If you have a high tolerance for idocy then this post might be for you.

I was ordering a coffee in Starbucks yesterday and a sudden thought struck me. What if we didn’t have a word for a ‘carmel macchiato?’ Imagine if every time you wanted this drink you had to describe it? It would be awful. 

“Hello Sir! What can I get you?”

“Yes, I would like some roasted coffee beans in liquid form poured on top of whole milk which has been heated using steam. To finish please drizzle it with a mixture of boiled sugar and cream.”

“Coming right up!”

It would be a bleeding nightmare. Imagine if it went deeper. Imagine trying to describe to someone what a coffee bean is! 

It’s a stupid example, but what it did do was make me realise for the first time about how language evolves. 100 years ago for example, if you asked for a macchiato, I’m sure that you would have to describe it. I know that it is very obvious to most people, but to me, it blew my mind. This is exactly why our vocabulary is constantly growing and shrinking. Just like a business, it is all about supply and demand. 

If we need quick way to describe something we invent a new word. If we don’t need that word as much any more we can go back to describing it. As a clever man with a name that elludes me once said, ‘necessity is the mother of all invention.’ Honestly, thinking about this blew my mind.

We needed a way to express laughter on the internet and through texts so we invented LOL. We were tired of saying Britain is leaving the EU so we invented Brexit. I had never realised this amazing part of language before, I just accepted that words exist. 

I am sure that this is how any language came to be in the first place. Different languages must have branched off language roots to meet their own needs, creating the modern languages we have today. Most people are probably taught this, but I’m a bit thick when it comes to certain things.

Here are some other words that I started thinking about how they got invented.

Pizza

A round disc of bread baked in an oven and topped with crushed tomatoes and fermented milk.

Train

A vehicle large enough to carry hundreds propelled forward using pistons powered by various fuels.

My favourite from the internet…

Snake

Danger noodle

Shit…

I have just realised I have used hundreds of words to describe what a definition. Time end this post…

Told you i was stupid.

Enlighten

Are you enlightened?

It is such a vague term. So vague I would argue that out of context it actually means nothing at all. Perhaps a better way to phrase the question is this;

What are you enlightened about?

But wait. That again is very strange question to ask somebody. I would say that enlightenment on a certain subject is in itself subjective. Nobody could possibly say whether or not you are enlightened about something. It’s all down to if you beleive you are or not and nobody can tell you otherwise. You beleiving is, in my eyes enough to call yourself englightened about something.

After reading that paragraph, which by the way, looks like I have taken notes straight out of an edgy, teenage emo’s thought diary, we can conclude, I am definately not englightened about enlightenment. Then again… it’s all subjective isn’t it? Maybe someone, in the dark corners of the internet, will be inspired by my words, maybe not.

Here is something I think I am enlightened on. Meaning that I have built my own perspective on the subject which I feel confident enough to preach to strangers on the internet about.

Lying

I am good at it. I had to adapt early. Ever since I was young I’ve had an older sister who kept my parents completely up to date on every aspect of my life. 

“Mum, I saw George has a fake ID.”

“Mum, George was in lunchtime detention!”

“Mum, did you know some of George’s friends were smoking and I’m worried he is going to start too!”

I paint a bad picture of myself. But again, these are bad examples of myself taken out of context. Which means… your not totally enlightened on my yet… haha…

Anyway. Let me enlighten you further…

Because I was always being told off I quickly had to adapt to lying to get myself out of a sticky situation. Making sure that I covered each detail so that it couldn’t be linked back to me. As the saying goes the devil is in the details. Spinning a good story became a talent. It took a lot of ironing out but I got there in the end.

This is my number 1 tip. If it’s something you can’t avoid, own up to it. Tell them you dropped the ball. I’m not saying take the high road, don’t. Take the low road. Tell them very breifly about the chain of events leading up to it. This is where you lie. 

Don’t lie about the consequence of your action, or in many cases inaction. Lie about why it happened. Let me give you an example of a conversation.

Boss: “George, you havn’t sent your lesson plans to me on time!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I’ve really dropped the ball this week. When I was teaching the lesson the level was too difficult for the students. I had to rework the lesson to make sure that they would be able to complete the work I have given them. I’m very happy with the lesson now and the students are learning much more with this lesson. I’ll make sure I send the lesson plans on time next week. Sorry!”

Because I have owned up to the problem early on it gives me immediate credibility and the rest of the story I spin is more beleivable. It could even be argued that after that, my boss looked at me in an even better light.

So this is my lying advice. *Ahem* my enlightend advice on lying. Choose your battles. Don’t spin a story first and then own up to it. Own up straight away and then tell the story. It adds credibility and you can work it to your advantage. Lie carefully and you can improve your image.

Anyway, I hope this post enlightened you a little bit about lying. If it didn’t nobody can prove it didn’t englighten somebody… SO LIE!!

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/enlighten/

Ready to learn Chinese?

I’m going to teach you some useful phrases in Chinese and then how to say them in a slightly more… colourful… way. Lets get straight into it.

1. 

Safe – Be quiet

an jing ~ 安静

Offensive – Be quiet you little bitch.

an jing ni ge xiao biao za ~ 安静你个小婊砸

Context

Larry: “And I-E-I-E-I will always love…”

Me: “an jing”

Larry: “Yo-hooo-eee-oooo- you”

Me: “an jing ni ge xiao biao za”

2.

Safe – Wow

wa sai ~ 哇塞

Offensive – That is fucking amazing

zhe ta ma de tai xia ren le ~ 这他妈的吓人了

Context

A monkey throws it’s shit at another monkey.

“wa sai”

The other monkey catches and starts juggling with it.

“zhe ta ma de tai xia ren le”

3.

Safe – Fool

ben dan ~ 笨蛋

Offensive ~ Stupid swine

chun zhu ~ 蠢猪

Context

Jerry: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams…”

Me: “ben dan.”

Jerry: “The world is also flat.”

Me: “Chun zhu…”

4.

Safe – Go away

zou ren ~ 走人

Offensive – Fuck off

gun kai ~ 滚开

Context

For when someone comes to your door trying to sell tampons.

“zou ren”

For when someone comes to your door asking you to pledge loyalty to the great and merciful Lord Zargon from the Silence Realm.

“gun kai”

5.

Safe – You are wrong

ni bu dui ~ 你不对

Offensive – You are chatting shit

che ji ba dan ~ 扯鸡巴蛋

Context

Me: “If x = 2 and y= 3 what is x + y?”

Jack: “6”

Me: “ni bu dui”

Jack: “Bro, last night I was at the club and I got talking to a lot of Victoria’s Secret models. Anyway, they invited me back to their house so I could help settle a bet about which one of them is the best at sex.”

Me: “che ji ba dan.”

Anyway, I hope these were helpful… Any more phrases you want to learn?

How to cook badly

Bad at cooking? Want to get worse? Read this post.

Today, I’m making some soup, stuffed peppers and fish with potatoes. If you want to know how to cook these dishes corrrctly, I suggest you go to allrecipes.com. If you are trying to get food poisening to lose some weight before halloween, keep reading.

This is all the stuff you will need.

Some onions, some tomatoes, some mushrooms, any type of fish, minced pork butter, lettuce, soup mix, garlic, ginger, lemons, cheese and some random herbs.

Lets start with the soup. First, open up a beer. 

Next, your going to chop two onions, don’t stress about it. The size of the peices doesnt matter, just chop quickly to avoid tears, it all going in a soup anyway. Next, take 4 big tomatoes and crush them, like your ex did to your heart, straight into the wok. Chop up the remaining pulp and boil it together. Add some water and the soup mix. Keep boiling. Easy.

Next, chop up the lettuce and the mushrooms. Do it however you like. Again, its a soup so who really cares? Add some green herbs.

Money saving tip: Don’t be a gourmont. All greeb herbs are just the same really, all are nice. Just add whatever you have, it’s not going to make a big difference. No need to buy something special.

Add the herbs, mushroom and lettuce. Soup done.

Stuffed Peppers

You’ve just made soup. Reward yourself with another beer.

First step. Get some minced pork and put it into the pan with some more diced onions. Put a good whack of oil in, any will do, like herbs, it all tastes the same. Add some red soy sauce, if you have none, no worries, salt will do the job. Mix it all together while frying till its all the same colour.

Chop the peppers in half, and take all of the white stuff and seeds out, or don’t, doesn’t matter too much. Next put the meat inside and it’s up to you, but you can put cheese on top. Just buy squares or pre-grated. Washing a cheesegrater is not worth the money it saves.

Bake it for a bit, then add the cheese. Bake again. Job done.

Fish and Potatoes

Well done. You have cooked stuffed peppers. Time to reward yourself.

First step, chop a stick of butter, get some pureed ginger and slice up a lemon. Don’t weigh the butter or slice the lemon too exactly, trust your own common sense.

Put your fish in some tin foil, add a bit of butter, bit of lemon and a bit of ginger . Wrap it up totally and stick in the oven. It will take a while. I cooked it quite slowly, but if you want to be quick just turn up the heat. It is wrapped in foil so I’m not sure whether it makes any difference?

Oh yeah. Put some bay leaves on. No reason really, but it looks cool when you unwrap the fish.

Next potatoes. I don’t need to tell you how to boil them, just chop them and do it. When they are finished, the fish should be nearly ready. Add the remaining butter to the potatoes so you dont waste it. Nearly time to serve. Reward yourself again.

Plate it up, it does not need to look pretty as it is home cooking, it should taste good anyway. Have a look.

“Simply wonderful. Five Stars” Gordon Ramsay

“A must try for any aspiring chef.” The Guardian

“Both complex and simple. The flavours really dance with eachother” Mail on Sunday

The Best BBQ? Chinese BBQ

I live in Shanghai, PRC as an English teacher. Let me tell you the best thing about it. BBQ. All you can eat BBQ. How much? 60 元 which is about 6 pounds in the UK or $9 in the US. Fucking A right?

So what do you get for the money? Everything. Unlimited seafood, meat, veggies, noodles. Guess what, even included beer.

You have to cook it yourself but for me, it adds to the ummm… charm? The retaurant has smoky and cheerful atmosphere (probably aided by the free beer) lots of shouting and cheering. Just a really good and authentic experience for anybody visiting china who wants to mingle with the locals. Another photo, coming at ya.

Looks pretty good right? You do everything, right down to the seasoning. This is probably why the food is so cheap. I don’t think there is a chef hired but the waitresses are on it if you need a hand but it really is a help yourself type deal. Take the food yourself, grab yourself a beer from the fridge when your thirsty. Different from a lot of Chinese restaurants which can be nice, but a bit formal. This is a go for it type atmosphere.

Also, can’t compain about the view! Anyone visiting China should definately check out a place like this. If you have any questions, always happy! Food is what I love!

Thanks!

Don’t Strauss about Mozart

The title is a classical music pun, so you know this post is gonna be good!

What I’m going to talk about today (pretty ignorantly) is my take on the ‘great’ musicians throughout history. Pretty ambitious, but don’t worry, im not very insightful so this shouldn’t take long.

I always hate it when people say something like “music isn’t like it used to be.” Yeah. Obviously. It is even worse when your talking to someone casually about music and they drop in Mozart as being their favourite. I have read a little about classical music and listened to a few songs, wait, not a song.. ummm… concerto? I dunno, anyway… But, when somebody tells me that Strauss, Mozart, Bach, Beethoven etc. is their favourite musician I automatically think it’s bullshit. I’m someone who thinks classical music is a bit of a drag, apart from the cool, epic bits that everyone knows so I’m not exactly an expert.

I have found, most of the people who claim they know about and love classical music are full of it. It’s easier to explain with a sample conversation.

Brittney: “Oh, I love Mozart and his work.”

Me: “Cool, which one?”

Brittney: “Well, it’s hard to pinpoint one song because they are all so good, but at the moment I’m listening to Mambo No.5”

Me: “Which one is that again?”

Brittney: “Come one, the one he wrote when he was feeling sad about his own genius in the Summer of 1654, you must know, it represents the struggle of the peasants.”

Me: “Oh! Is that the one that goes DUM DUMMMM DUM DUM DUMMM?”

Brittney: “Well, there’s more to it than that..”

Well.. Fuck you Brittney you self righteous arse.

She has clearly seen that on wikipedia and read the comments on Youtube and is suddenly an expert. I do however, feel sure that if I was to probe further about another lesser known artist or song she would have no idea. She thinks that knowing Mozart makes her more special than those who don’t, but why is liking classical music better than liking pop? In my eyes, it’s not.

What always frustrates me is when people revere a composer like Mozart, they say he was a prodigy and that during that time he was the greatest there had ever been. This may all be true, which is fine but what i hate is when people try to compare the music of today with the classical composers from a long time ago.

So now, let me put forward my final thought, really, what this whole rant has been leading up to.

Today, there are loads of bands, singers and musicians. So many that it is hard to keep up. Why? Because anybody who has the talent has the ability to showcase this. Music lessons have become affordable as well as the instruments. YouTube means that anyone can showcase their talent. TV shows like the Voice and X factor exist. In general, music is a lot more accessible than it used to be.

Lets go back.

Mozart was a prodigy. I don’t deny it. What I am saying is that back then music classes and composing classes were an activity for the rich. Back then, people had other worries, rather than encouraging their children to play music, they were learning more practical skills. It was a different time back then.

Music is so watered down now. So to leave a legacy akin to Mozart now is a very difficult feat. Back in Mozart’s day it was less diluted. So logically speaking, perhaps leaving a legacy and standing out as being great wasn’t as hard as it is now. This is why I hate people tearing down modern music, using Mozart as an example. It was just different.

My Unsure or Uncertain question is this. Is it harder to leave a lasting legacy today than it was 100 or 500 years ago?

Thats for bearing through that with me!

Fruity

Has anybody else ever tried a persimmon? I ask because I tried one for the first time today. The other teachers at my school left one on my desk and asked me if i had ever tried one? I said “Yes, of course, I love tomatoes!” Honestly, I had never even heard of a persimmon and assumed by its look that it was just a tomato. They corrected me, intrigued, I went straight in for a massive bite.
Fucking terrible.
It had the same texture as a tomato so automatically my taste buds were confused. The syruppy thick juice burst into my mouth and started pouring both out of my face and out of the fruit, all over my hands and desk. Really, it is so messy to eat and so, so, so sticky. Because of what was happening with the fruit, which like my life, was rapidly falling to pieces it was taking a while for the taste of it to catch up to me.
Then it happened. The taste came, and it was a lot worse than I had expected from soft, sticky and putrid texture. I don’t quite know how to describe it. Imagine a really, really old prune. The prune is not dry though, it is sitting in it’s syrup and the jar has been left open for a year. A bit rotten but not quite. That is how I can best describe the taste of this awful fruit.
I looked down at the murder seen unfolding on my desk and saw the bodies of two small insects which had been living in the fruit before I destroyed it. Then I looked up at the other teachers.
“Do you like it?” They said.
“Yes, delicious.” I replied.
I was dead inside.

Nitpicking a TV show

OK, this is probably hyporcritical from reading my other posts, but, since I have no followers… I guess it doesn’t matter too much… YET! 

is probably hyporcritical from reading my other posts, but, since I have no followers… I guess it doesn’t matter too much… YET! (please love me..)

I’m sure that my blog is full of inaccuracies, spelling mistakes, grammar errors.. and the list goes on. I will however comfort myself by saying I’m not professional… YET! (please love me more..)

I am going to talk about a very annoying habit I have. A habit which can ruin a perfectly good TV episode for me. A habit which, when watching a TV show with someone, cause me to die inside as a way to stop me from saying it. Yes.. you guessed it… It’s in the title… It is………. NITPICKING!

Nitpicking is a problem for me. Sure, I love finding holes in stories and being secretly satisfied with myself, but then, so do a lot of people, in essence that is how a conspiracy theory is born (although perhaps not so secretly) and everyone loves a ridiculous and even better, a logical conspiracy theory. Sadly, thats not what nitpicking is to me. It’s hard to give a definition of exactly what i means to me, but I know it when I see/do it.

Let me give you an example. I, along with millions of people, love the show  Friends. It’s light hearted and funny, just an easy watch for whatever mood your in. You really connect with the characters and however cheesey it may sound, they are your friends too.

Now, let me tell you what ruins an episode for me. Is it the occassional over-the-top acting? No. Is it the occassional joke which is stretched too far? No. Is it frustration at the episodes which repeat clips from other episodes? No. It’s the coffee cups…

I have no idea how filming a TV show works, so I am sure there is a logical reason for it, but, in a TV show which is so well made, so well writen, so perfectly cast, I really don’t know why, when the group are drinking coffee, there cups are very obviously empty.

It frustrates me. Why? Because I nitpick. I can’t understand why they put nothing in the coffee cups. I had an idea about different takes and that it might be a lot of coffee for one actor to drink in one sitting. But.. If they are only pretending to drink anyway, why not pretend to drink from a cup which actually has coffee in it? The cups looks too light and even when it’s on the table you can see there is nothing in it, then the Monica will pick up the cup and take a big ol’ sip of nothing. 

I know it’s not a big deal which is why it is good to share on an unsure or uncertain (shameless plug) style block. If I mention this to my friends they just tell me not to be a prick. 

I could give other examples, but I am certain you would think I’m a prick too..

Anyway.. Thanks for listening to me!

Phew..

I’ve been thinking about animals..

People have told me that some of the stuff I say should be written on the wall of a public toilet in shit. I know this is a rip off from Ricky Gervais’ podcast but when it’s been said I let it slide because a lot of the time it is true.
Let me start by saying, I love animals and think thay they are really amazing things, this isn’t intended to be cruel (although it sounds like it) but just general wondering and I was keen to see other people’s thoughts.
1. Wolves
Wolves are pretty cool animals, great hunters; alone and in packs, fast, deadly and strong. Years and years of evolution have made them a killing machine.
I was talking to a friend who considers himself a bit of an animal buff recently (it should be noted he said i was talking out of my arse) about wolves. I said that I reckon, if I was in a small room with a wolf I could take it on in a fight. It should also be noted here that I am desperately unfit, overweight, no muscles to write home about and iadequate reactions, basically the opposite of a wolf.
Let me set the ground rules I proposed to him. It is a medium sized room. It is just me and a wolf and I have no objects or weapons. I genuinely think i could beat a wolf bEcAuSe Im cLeVeR..
No really.. In a one on one situation I think i could take it on. If it came running at me, i would give it a big kick. If it was close up i could just grab its mouth and stop it from biting me. If it did manage to bite my leg, I could just punch it or kick it with one of my remaining limbs. 
On hearing my feeble arguments he proceeded to disprove all of my various strategies. His conclusion was that a wolf could tear me apart. My head agrees with him but my heart still tells me I could take a wolf on.
So I’m asking this. Does anyone agree with me. One on one with a wolf in a room. Would a human win?
2. Elephants
I should probably do my research, but I’m sure I have heard somewhere that Elephants walk for miles and miles and can return to places they have been before, like a migration and that this is where we coin the term ‘an elephant never forgets.’
I also know elephants generally live in hot places (clever i know.)
My question was. If you decided to take an elephant and drop it in Iceland, what would it do? Would it just walk around confused or would it try to walk back home?
3. Birds
Continuing on the theme of migration imagine this scenario. A bird is migrating from the UK to Africa for the winter. Oh, I should also mention teleportation is completely possible.
Right, so, this bird is flying along happily with the other birds in that V formation thing that they do to save energy. WHEN SUDDENLY… POP! The bird has been teleported to the USA. Will that bird continue down to South America or will it still try to go to Africa?
I’m not done yet.. Another thing has just happened. POP! Another bird has just been teleported straight to Africa, will it keep going further south? Will it try to get back north to meet it’s group. Or will it just think, great, my journey is over and just stay where it is?
Anyway.. these are some of my random thoughts about animals. What do you think?